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Kronologi over fredssagen og international politik 5 Marts 2009 / Time Line March 5, 2009
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National Rifle Association to Arm Church Members
By Don Monkerud
The National Rifle Association is coming to the rescue of fearful
true believers in Arkansas, who fear they might be shot in church
and wake up in hell. These worshipers recently had their demands to
bear arms in places of worship turned down by the state senate
after a number of church shootings across the country.
The fear is so great that state authorities estimate that last
month 120,000 Arkansas churchgoers purchased handguns, rifles,
automatic rifles and even used Soviet tanks and an aircraft carrier
to protect themselves from crazed worshipers, who take the Bible
injunction, "an eye for an eye," literally. The FBI expects
shootings in churches to rise 800 percent this year as unemployed
executives fight for control of church coffers.
Currently Arkansas only excludes concealed weapons from churches
and bars. Common wisdom in the state is: "Beware a man who owns one
gun-he probably knows how to use it." The average man in Arkansas
owns 35 guns, a requirement of citizenship.
The National Center for Disease Control estimates that 30,000
deaths a year result from disputes over religious superiority.
Under former President George Bush, Justice Department officials
estimated that allowing concealed weapons in bars under a new
Drunks Can't Shoot Straight program, could cut yearly deaths from
firearms in half.
Urged on by the Southern Baptist Church, Witness for the Dead
Christ, the NRA and a plethora of Pentecostal denominations, voters
flooded the state capital in Little Rock with petitions to allow
concealed weapons during worship services. A political battle
ensued-many legislators carry concealed weapons during debates in
the state legislature, but no gunfire erupted during the
session-and the Senate rejected imposing state authority over
churches.
"Let'em make up their own minds if'en they want to carry guns in
church," said Robert E. Lee XIV, director of the Concealed Big Bore
Association. Lee pointed out that 42 states in the U.S. allow
churches to decide whether worshipers should carry firearms.
"Churches don't no longer cotton to none a them idears of layin'
down with no lambs," Lee said. "Today we're all preachin' musclear
Christianity. Member the Crusades!"
After defeating the bill by asserting freedom of churches to decide
whether to arm worshipers, the National Rifle Association pledged
support for church members who feel naked in church without their
handguns. The NRA's "Never Enough Guns" program, in conjunction
with the Charlton Heston Dead White Guys Rule Foundation, provided
free gift certificates for "a gun of your choice" to "white males
over the age of 50."
"People like them big guns and thar takin'em off the shelves
fastern I can put'em up," said Joe Joe Wiggins, owner of Joe's Pool
Hall, Beer Joint, Dance Hall and Used Gun Emporium in Mayhem,
Arkansas. "They're coming from all around here. We even fixed up
the basement to look like a church so they can get'em some target
practice."
While there are almost no restrictions on firearms in Arkansas,
ex-Nazis, skinheads, KKK-members and other Aryans with arrest
records will receive "get out of jail free" cards provided by the
NRA and the Pacific Foundation for Legal Fabrication. "We are
honored that Mr. Heston can still fight for our freedom from the
grave," said Ray Gun Young, president.
The opposition defeated the measure because Southerners
traditionally object to government forcing moral decisions on
religious institutions. "Sometimes shootin' someone is okay
accordin' to the church," said Billy Wing Wright III, president of
Southerners for the Old Rugged Cross." The state cannot take away
church control."
Nevertheless, security remains an issue. Some churches are
resorting to placing machine guns in strategic locations in case
church members become unruly during services.
"A lot of them teenagers ain't recognizin' the authority of their
church elders no more," said Reverend Yahoo Johnny Johnson,
minister of McDonald's Airport Salvation Church in Halfwitt,
Arkansas. "Why my flock is supportin' the deacons, vice ministers
and other faithful carrin' guns to keep'em in line."
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